In this section, we will discuss what can be called the “Ukrainian model” — the specifics of state organization and its interaction with society. Let us begin with a text that may seem “unserious” to some, and even “ambiguous” to others. This is an attempt to identify real social mechanisms in the form of a text simulating a constitution. Since we are talking about real mechanisms, the appropriate terminology is needed to describe them, so please do not be surprised by some words — this is the same terminology as any other, it most adequately describes what we are dealing with.
Section I. Basic Principles
We, Ukrainians, declare the following principles as the basic foundations of our shared life, which unite us:
The purpose of a person’s life is to become a Respectable Person. Only a Respectable Person can sincerely say “There are no Questions.”
Material status and the ability to resolve Questions are the main signs of a person’s respectability.
Ukraine is a country of equal opportunities for all Ukrainians. All Ukrainians have completely equal opportunities to become a Respectable Person.
All Respectable Persons risk messing up big. If this happens, then Questions arise for the Respectable Person and she feels the full weight of the Burden.
This risk is a sacred element of the life of our society.
Section II. Citizenship
- A citizen is anyone who has received Registration. A citizen has all due rights.
Section III. Philosophical Principles
The life of a Ukrainian is determined by Themes, Excuses, and Questions.
A Theme is a set of interconnected opportunities that arise through:
- the activities of Institutions;
- the activities of the State;
- the existence of established Excuses;
- the existence of Suckers;
- the dexterity and other innate and acquired talents of Ukrainians.
Themes are not something fixed; they are always in motion, disappearing and appearing.
A Theme is useful only when it is grabbed. The ability to Grab a Theme must be a basic skill of every Ukrainian.
Themes are steps on the path to a Respectable Person. By Grabbing Themes, a person advances toward their goal.
An Excuse is everything that others must believe when they need to find out what is going on here.
An Excuse may coincide with the truth.
Sometimes nobody may believe an Excuse, but it still works. A quality Excuse is a refined art.
The same Excuse can work for countless Themes.
Excuse and Theme must be in balance with each other. Finding the correct balance is an art that every Ukrainian should strive to master.
Excuse and Theme embody the fundamental philosophical categories of “As If” and “In Reality.”
Questions are visible manifestations of the Burden; they suddenly emerge from the world ether and disappear into it. The quantity and quality of Questions depends on a person’s Status.
Section IV. Social Structure. Status
The basis of Ukraine’s social structure is Status.
Status is what allows one to pass by security with a stone face, to painlessly drive through red lights.
Status is a social role that everyone else agrees to at a given moment in time. Therefore, Status often depends on the situation. Sometimes even a Sucker can be a Respectable Person. The definitions given in the following articles are based on the amount of time a person spends in one Status or another. Therefore, the word “mostly” can be added to each subsequent definition.
Ukrainian society consists of Respectable Persons, Normal People, and Suckers.
A Respectable Person:
- resolves Questions for other Respectable Persons, Normal People, and Suckers;
- has a Respectable Person’s Phone;
- owns Institutions that produce money, and also owns or uses Institutions that produce Laws and Excuses;
- has the right to use Mentals to resolve Questions with other Respectable Persons, Normal People, and Suckers;
- has the right to a TV-set.
A Respectable Person, as a rule, ceases to be a Respectable Person when she “messes up big.”
“Normal People” have the right:
- to struggle against the Burden;
- to have a Respectable Person’s Phone;
- to try to deal with Mentals;
- to serve an Institution;
- sometimes to seemingly own an Institution that produces money.
Questions may arise for Normal People, which they can try to resolve using a Respectable Person’s Phone or other Normal People.
Suckers are those who think that Institutions work for what their Excuse says. They don’t get it and don’t Grab a Theme.
Suckers have the right:
- to struggle against the Burden;
- to serve an Institution;
- to think that they possess a Respectable Person’s Phone;
- to hope that they can try to deal with Mentals.
- A Sucker cannot mess up. There are always Questions for a Sucker.
Section V. Institution
All Ukrainians serve an Institution.
All Ukrainians have the right to receive, or not receive, wages for their work.
Institutions produce money, Laws, and Excuses.
Institutions work for the Theme, and every Theme requires a corresponding Excuse.
Section VI. State
The State is called a common Excuse for a heap of Institutions that produce Excuses, Themes, and Laws.
Exclusively within the boundaries of the State are placed Institutions that take money away from Institutions that produce money and from other Ukrainians.
Institutions that take money away are obligated to believe those Excuses that other Institutions and citizens present to them, saying that there is no money. This faith is one of the foundations of social peace and the foundation for very many Themes.
The State is the main source of the Burden.
Section VII. Law
Law is what the State has written for itself. The peculiarity of Law is that it is a universal Excuse and the foundation for many Themes, especially for Mentals.
Law produces a strong Burden.
Section VIII. Mentals
Mentals are called police officers, judges, prosecutors, customs officers, SBU officers, and all other persons whose main Theme and correspondingly main Excuse is Law.
Mentals work in the State.
Mentals who do not work in the State are not Mentals.
Mentals, when they are “on duty,” are automatically considered Respectable Persons.
Mentals produce the Burden even when they are not working.
Section IX. President
The President of Ukraine can be any Ukrainian who worked as Prime Minister before and whom the previous President prevented from working.
The President of Ukraine:
- greets Ukrainians on New Year’s;
- organizes other official Holidays, greeting with them from the TV-set;
- explains to Respectable Persons who is doctor to whom and under what conditions;
- explains to the rest of Ukrainians what all this is for.
Section X. Deputy
Deputies exist so that everyone knows who is to blame for this.
Every person involved in the activities of the State, if she explains something publicly or justifies herself in something, is considered a deputy.
Section XI. TV-set
The TV-set is the main time-filler for Ukrainians when they are not struggling against the Burden.
All Ukrainians have the right to watch the TV-set.
Watching the TV-set is also a duty of every Ukrainian and a sign of his belonging to the Ukrainian community.
The TV-set ensures the unity of the semantic space of Ukraine.
The TV-set is the means by which Respectable Persons communicate with each other and explain to each other what is happening.
The President has unlimited right to use the TV-set.
The TV-set produces a particularly strong Burden.
Section XII. Holiday
Every Ukrainian has the right to a Holiday. This right is sacred and inviolable.
A Holiday is called a situation when Ukrainians drink and launch fireworks.
Holidays are needed so that one considers that during this time one is resting from the Burden.
Holidays are official and private. Official are called those with which the President greets from the TV-set. Private holidays are all other holidays.
Ukrainians and even Mentals respect Holidays and show “forbearance” toward each other during this time.
Section XIII. Burden
The Burden is what Ukrainians create by fulfilling this Constitution.
The Burden is created to struggle against it. This struggle is eternal and sacred.